“The reason old souls enjoy spending time alone, is because they never really are.” unknown
“Our souls all share one great craving: to escape our limited selves, the narrowness and suffocating emptiness that can be present in our reality.” Don Mateo Sol
“In order to save myself I must destroy first the me I was told to be.” The dreamer
Things that led me here…that led me to leave and follow my ❤
Although I’ve often fallen into pleasing and living for others, I too have always done things my own way. And more so the older I become, am I learning to push myself into shifting my thoughts, my thinking, my decision-making, in my own direction. Mine. I would call myself an open-minded person, but I can be momentarily and temporarily persuaded by another’s view, opinion, and/or feeling. I can get caught up in the moment, as I require some time to process information. I feel what others feel. This can become exhausting, especially with my insatiable need to over-analyze ALL situations. It hasn’t been until recent that my fed-up cup finally began to spill over and others’ actions and opinions began to flood my sense of control in my own decision-making, threatening to drown me. It became clear, evident to me that I deserved to live as I’ve been intended, to seek out and work mercilessly to reach my version of happiness. And I refuse to question my path to get here, to this epiphany. I cannot let myself go there, nor do I want to because I know with certainty that it too was paved with purpose. I look on it with gratitude knowing that all of it’s cracks, pebbles, pot holes as well as smooth surfaces taught me. I’ve learned to stand strong and firm against injustices and things that matter, even when that means going up against those I’ve considered friends, hell even family. I’ve been taught or rather reassured that I truly have a small circle of people who really love me and want me to be successful. We all do. A circle small yet full of integrity, honesty, wisdom, support, and encouragement. But I also know that I will and can stand and succeed alone when I need and want to.
I’ve worked with women by the numbers and this has taught me the most. These experiences have guided and provoked my spirit as a woman and as a writer. For I have experienced, and become transparent at some level myself, being mean, hateful, discouraging, and not supportive. I’ve never been good at lying, nor have I wanted or felt obliged to. I’m honest and open, almost to a fault at times, and I’ve always felt this need to apologize for it. Oddly, I’ve not always received equal reciprocation. I cannot count the times I’ve let my heart and feelings be ripped to shreds by the demands of women who have held themselves at a level seemingly superior than that of my own. They disappointed me and made me leery, wanting to question every woman I encounter.
For those who do not know, I wasn’t all that interested in college right after school. I hated school. But I started anyway, and once I started college, I loved it. College was unlike any school experience I’d known, and I finally realized how much I loved to learn and that I was capable of doing something. I wasn’t quite sure what at the time, but this something was bigger than myself, bigger than the small world I felt confined to. Initially, I wanted to go into social work, but I was persuaded not to by just about everyone that caught wind of my intentions. Nursing came next. I was in the program, finished first round of courses and clinicals, and I knew; I could feel it. Nursing wasn’t for me. Business next, nope. Education, yes! I loved this field. I still do, but I could no longer ignore the burning desire to move forward, to leave. All of these experiences brought me to this exact destination, and they will carry me as far as I want to go.
I’ve often heard and been personally spoken to about people ‘like me.’ “People who cannot stick to one thing.” “ People who give up too easily.” “People with their heads in the clouds.” “Free-spirited doesn’t pay the bills.” “A job is a job.” I could go on, as I have caught some slack, usually passive aggressively, for my choices in life.
I’ve spent what feels like a lifetime over-analyzing such opinions, and other things I’ve been told by people I have trusted only to hear a different version being told to another person, defensive, rude, snide comments made when professing information/viewpoints passionately, sharing personal accomplishments, methods, goals, helpful suggestions, or even factual information.
At times, I became bitter, but bitter wasn’t really my style. I wanted to know why. Why did I feel so unsupported, mostly by women, but by men too? Why did some of the people I grew up with, work with, or the people I love seem disconnected from me? I’ve always tried so hard to be genuine. For so long, I felt it to be because of my past. I chose a different path than them. Shit. I made my own, and I mean that in the worst possible way. My path was more like a mud hole, and I was wearing skis. I was reckless because I didn’t have faith in myself. I felt unworthy, and I lacked the courage to try to be anything other than what I felt like they saw me to be. I was sinking, and who would want to join a sinking ship? I made tremendous messes of my life and my relationships, but I have made apologizes with change. They were not empty. You would think getting your life together would bring a sense of peace in all aspects of your life. But to be honest, the clearer your mind, the more you can see through the BS in others and in yourself. A blessing and a curse really. However, I will take clarity and all of it’s beauty as well as it’s grit any day over the murky unknown.
I have been honest. I have been weak, and I have beat myself up over sharing personal experiences about my life and health. But I have been desperate, and I have been scared. I’ve wanted advice, answers, comfort, and I’ve wanted and want to help others. I feel called to share my experiences for many reasons, including healing. I’ve just never understood why and how I could, how I can, push people away. I’ve never felt well-received. And as conflicting as it sounds, as lonely as it can get, I most often enjoy being alone and don’t really mind being ‘anti-social.’ So, instead of this continuous cycle of speculation, (maybe paranoia), I researched. I researched myself. I’ve always known my personality type, and if you do not know yours, I highly suggest finding it out. I have the rarest of the personality types. Initially ‘rare’ sounds unique, mysterious, and powerful, but in reality, it can be lonely. “My heart is a lonely hunter.” Carson McCullers
Dr. A.J. Drenth writes, “Because of their keen perceptiveness, INFJs are rarely fooled by facades or fakery. They can readily see beyond appearances and apprehend an individual’s deeper motives and intentions, including any underlying ego issues. In fact, INFJs can often see the truth about people more clearly than those people can see it in themselves. It is no wonder that many INFJs can make a decent living by hanging a “Psychic” sign on their front door.”
I have always felt intuitive. I have always felt instant feedback from people, either being truly gratifying or lacking any connection whatsoever. Learning more about this has helped me, but it has also saddened me that my feelings may be more accurate and not just a figment of my imagination. I’ve felt these feelings so deep in my gut at times that they have altered my sense of goodness in this world.
Thus has led me down this path….to write. I left my job to fulfill a greater calling that I can no longer ignore or push to the side. I am a writer. I can confidently say that now without needing anyone else to validate that for me. I was tired of giving in, tired of letting my temporary feelings be swayed. I was scared shitless to take this leap, but I felt like a hypocrite talking about making changes to be a happier, more fulfilled person. I had to search deep within, raise my voice to the inner voice who was practically screaming all of the what if’s, and I had to reach out to those who truly were/are in support of me. I still sit here admittedly talking a big game about not letting other people get to me, but to be honest they do. When people are mean, when they lie, or are not supportive – all whether intentional or unintentional – their actions get to me. But what I have found in working on myself and researching about myself and others is that we were all made with unique talents. Yes those talents set us apart, but what truly defines us is how we put them into motion for the good of others. I feel that I was meant to write and share with others. You may disagree with me in that, and that is ok. But, I want you to think about this. What do you feel you were given to share with the world? Is this your passion?
How would you feel being:
told that these feelings, these dreams, these goals that you’ve held onto since childhood, hidden away, are just a waste of time and unrealistic.
told I do not support you.
asked if you are serious, why you want to, and how you think YOU could?
Think about this. Don’t be this person to others or to yourself.
No one else can devalue our dreams, make fun of them, question them, try to make us feel inadequate in any way unless we let them. And I have let them for long enough. What about you?